Dear Zealand, You are now two years old! We celebrated your birth a few weeks before the actual day and you reveled in the extra attention, "new toys," and homemade strawberry ice cream and a vanilla lemon curd cake. For your Birthday, Ami painstakingly illustrated your very own ABC book with pictures taken straight from your world - lambie, ice cream, Maui, and all of the other images that dance through your day to day. The book is a treasure. Later that day, you insisted on taking your new wooden play birthday cake into the crib with you. Maybe it helped to ensure sweet dreams.
Four days before your real birthday you sister Avery was born. I have since taken a few steps back from our shared world as I nurse Avery and recover from surgery. The most difficult part of this process has been the separation from you. Upon leaving the hospital in the evening on the first day you met Avery you suddenly wanted mama really bad. It had already been a few days that I had been away and as well as you had received your new sister and dealt with all of the changes - you had reached your limit.
As everyone was leaving you asked "how about mama" and then the question dissolved into tears and then shrieks of protest that I heard getting softer and softer as you were carried to the elevator. I had my first cry since giving birth and cursed the gods for the C-section. One of the main reasons I wanted to try a vaginal birth was so I could bounce back quickly and be there for you as well as a 7 lb. bundle. But, alas. I turned to the business at hand, nursing Avery. And your dada texted me to let me know that you were fine once all of you reached the car. Life goes on and we all do adjust. Since returning from the hospital our life as a family of four has begun. I still ache to hold and carry you and run around with you, but I keep reminding myself that this period of convalescence will pass soon enough. Your da da has more than filled the vacuum and the two of you are filling the hours with lots of fun and play. And, you now request that da da read night time stories to you and that da da make the oatmeal, etc.
In the span of this past week from my new perspective of not being entirely entwined in your every moment, a new big boy has suddenly appeared in full view. Of course you have been growing all along but now, and perhaps juxtaposed next to your sister who is so tiny and dependent, you are a little boy quickly throwing off the last vestiges of babyhood. And, your language! You are a chatterbox and are managing complex sentences as if you have been doing so your whole life.
And, I love the new phrases heard for the first time. "How was your day Zealand?" "It was fun!" you say back.
You love pointing out spatial relationships - "the car is on the track," "the bus is down there," etc.. And, the other day while standing on a boat at the playground you said that we were on the ocean in Maui, "for pretend." It amazes me that you can understand the concept of pretend. Although at this point in your life you seem to be a stubborn realist. I keep trying to encourage make believe - maybe there is an octopus in the bathtub, or a mermaid.. Each time you correct me and say, "no."
The photos above are from a hike you and your da da went on recently in the park near our house. You found a walking stick the other day and recently became obsessed with your new backpack from Su. You were so excited to go for a hike in the forest with da da who was also wearing a backpack. We could barely pry that backpack off to change you. You have also taken a strong liking to your red rain boots. Actually, on a visit to the hospital you insisted on wearing your red rain boots and rain jacket. You are quite the explorer! We look forward to our first backpack with you someday soon.
All of this and barely a mention of your response to your new sister - surely one of the most momentous occasions of your life thus far. One of the doctor's at the hospital explained it this way: Imagine your husband bringing a new wife home and saying "you are going to love her honey." Okay, maybe slightly different, but I think there is a point there. I imagine your feelings about her are very complex. If I were to guess, you are mainly feeling the loss of attention that has resulted from her arrival. You are very aware that mama is not as available. Even so you have been very sweet with Avery, if not a little disinterested. Since the hospital you have not wanted to hold her, which is fine by us. When you are ready. (I keep remembering the wife comment). You have touched her head softly and find her noises very amusing. "What was that?" you'll say. You call her baby Avery and the other day the four of us went for our first family walk. You were very proud of yourself for helping to push baby Avery.
It was the happiest I had seen you since we all returned from the hospital. You kept smiling at all of us and you looked so excited to help push a stroller with your sister inside. This is how we walk to places normally, you outside of the strolling "helping mama." But now, a real baby inside - wow! The weather was surprisingly warm for a late San Francisco afternoon and the four of us walked down to the Panhandle Park to see Su and Griffin. The two of you chased each other around the perimeter of the playground taking turns pushing someone's battered, pink, baby stroller. Our life as a family of four suddenly seemed very normal. Well, little guy, I have to admit your mama has been a little sad mourning the loss of days when I could devote my full attention to you and could notice every passing thought and movement. Already you are in a new relationship with me and also with your da da. It will now be a juggling act with us always as a family of four. But, we are now all blessed with a little girl named Avery. I am pretty sure you are going to love her. This morning you shyly asked her if she would like to look at a "woo woo" (train) which you held close to her sleeping face. You then said, "or milk?"
Like pregnancy and childbirth itself, the pain and discomfort is necessary to bring in new life, more rich and vibrant than anything that came before. Here is to our new family and to new life long relationships that we have all just begun.
We love you Zealand, and our so proud how well you are managing what must be a difficult transition for you. You are doing so with all of the grace a two year old can muster.
Love,
Mama
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